...because sometimes what we want, isn't what we are aching for...

"Restless"

I am the sea on a moonless night,
Calling, falling, slipping tides
I am the leaky, dripping pipes
The endless aching drops of light
I am the raindrop falling down,
Always longing for the deeper ground
I am the broken, breaking seas
Even my blood finds ways to bleed

Even the rivers ways to run
Even the rain to reach the sun
Even my thirsty streams,
Even in my dreams

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

I am the thorn stuck in your side,
I am the one that you left behind,
I am the dried up doubting eyes
Looking for the well that won’t run dry

Running hard for the other side
The world that I’ve always been denied
Running hard for the infinite
With the tears of the saints and hypocrites

Oh blood of black and white and gray
Death and life and night and day
One by one by one
We let our rivers run

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
Looking for you

I can hear you breathing,
I can hear you leading
More than just a feeling
More than just a feeling
I can feel you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
'til the final healing
I'm looking for you

Until the sea of glass we meet
At last completed and complete
The tide of tear and pain subside
Laughter drinks them dry

I’ll be waiting
Anticipating
All that I aim for
What I was made for
With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me
Looking for you

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I'm looking for you

I can feel you breathing
I can feel you leading
More than just a feeling
More than just a feeling
I can feel you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
'til the final healing
I'm looking for you
I'm looking for you

Contentment

“Not that I was ever in need for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation…” 

Philippians 4: 11-12a

I've only been on my journey towards contentment for a couple of days now, and its already one of the hardest things I've ever tried to work towards. A few dictionaries describe contentment as

• Satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.
• Mentally or emotionally satisfied with the way things are.
• Willing to accept circumstances. 

I’m currently reading a book by Barbara Hughes called “Disciplines of a Godly Woman”

She has entire chapter dedicated to the Discipline of Contentment. In the chapter, she shares this quote about what Christian Contentment is:

“ Christian contentment is that sweet, inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit, which freely submits to and delights in God’s wise and fatherly disposal in every condition.” –Jeremiah Burroughs

In Philippians 4, Paul states that he learned what it meant to be content in every situation. This gives hope that its possible to get there. It also brings the realization that its something we have to work to get to and that it doesn't come to us naturally. Paul was an old man by the time that he wrote his letter stating that he knew what it meant to be content. Its definitely a process that requires discipline and the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

In our world, Its so easy to be tempted by discontent. All we have to do is turn on the TV, open up Facebook, browse Pinterest, or drive down the road. There are so many messages, ads, and signs that tell us we aren't happy unless we obtain something we don't have.

Its incredible how easy it is to be consumed by discontent and not even realize it. For instance, I was just browsing Pinterest the other day looking at creative ideas for decorating my room. When I discovered, that something was happening within my heart. In my heart, it wasn't this innocent hobby of trying to find creative ideas...but, it was looking at all those images and wishing/desiring all these things I didn't have.

Barbara Hughes, uses Eve as an example of just how much we as humans are inclined to discontent. She says that Eve had everything she could ever want. She had a beautiful place to live, a great husband, and she had direct communication with God. But, where she went wrong was that she fell into the sin that all of us struggle with. She listened to that voice that told her that God was holding out on her.

I know that my heart will always be inclined to discontent. I have to train it to think otherwise.

2 Peter 2:20-22 says,

"And when people escape from the wickedness of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and then get tangled up and enslaved by sin again, they are worse off than before. It would be better if they had never known the way to righteousness than to know it and then reject the command they were given to live a holy life."

Hughes also writes that, we often know God's word and the truth that the gospel brings but we still choose to let ourselves be entangled by all the empty trash that the world tries to offer us. Those words resonated so deep within me because I know I do this!


I know that true contentment will come from knowing God and his word. When I truly grasp all that God is and all that he has done, and that is what I fill my heart with....Then and only then will I truly be content.

"Apart from the only One who can satisfy us, we human beings insatiable--we always want more."

-Barbara Hughes

My word for 2012

"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord." 

Psalm 38:9

My good friend Alex, recently wrote a blog about the idea of coming up with 3 words for the New Year. The main purpose of the words is to help set the course for where you hope to go and what you hope to achieve in the coming year. 

I also had the opportunity to attend/work a conference at Pine Cove over New Years and to hear from a great leader and Camp Director, Craig “Dutch” Langemeier. During his chat with the staff, he mentioned focusing in on one character quality that we hope to grow in over the next year.

I could think of several areas that I would love to grow in. But, instead of making a lot of lofty goals and becoming over committed and in the end getting burnt out and giving up on all of them…I’ve decided to commit to one word.

After a lot of thought and prayer, I have decided that my word is contentment.

I hope to share with you in this post why I have chosen this word for my life, and then in another post that will shortly follow I want to share some thoughts about contentment.

When I look at my life, most often I think, "This isn't where I thought I'd be at 25!". I have a strong desire to be a wife and a mother. I've spent pretty much all of my life as a single person and now I'm 25 and I start to wonder, "Ok God. Did you forget about me?"  Right now, this is the biggest thing I struggle with, but I could name other areas in my life where I’ve let discontent creep in.

The frightening part about this is that, I feel like because I’ve been sitting and waiting around for that next step in my life, I’ve been missing out on so many opportunities! I’ve also been missing out on all the satisfaction that comes from fully knowing God!

I know this is going to be a difficult journey for me over the next year, but I know it will be worth it in the end. Paul said in Philippians 4, ”I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.”  It is a learning process, it doesn’t come to us naturally. This brings up my next point, I do have a secondary word which is discipline, because I know this isn't possible without it.

I want to spend time focusing in on God and continuing to learn that everything I desire and everything I need is hidden in him! Also, instead of waiting around for that next step in my life or for that next thing, I want to focus in on the opportunities I have right now and start serving and doing now! 

"Each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him."

1 Corinthians 7:17

Holding Out

Recently, I realized that the sin that cost Adam and Eve their relationship with God, is the same sin that I struggle with on a daily basis. Prior to the fall, Adam and Eve only knew one thing: God. They went through God to get knowledge of anything else.

When, Satan tempted Eve he said, “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” He crafted his words in such a way that made Eve think in her mind that God was in someway holding out on her. She let that thought creep into her mind and she did not trust God. She was tempted and the scripture says, “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food, pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it.”

This is the point where I believe, Eve after thinking that God was holding out on her took matters into her own hands and from there the union between God and man would always be severed. God was no longer man’s only source of knowledge. Man then began to consider himself to be his own source of knowledge. From then on, man no longer had a need for God’s knowledge in any form and would always reject God.

I have a Jesus Storybook Bible, (go figure I’m a preschool teacher) Its seriously like the best thing ever! I love to read it. (Yes, even when I’m not with kids) In the story of the Fall of man, the serpent whispers to Eve, “Does God really love you? If he does, why won’t he let you eat of the fruit?” 

Much like Eve, there are times in my life when I let those kinds of lies creep in. I may not actually ask, “Does God really love me? I wonder if God is holding out on me.” But, because of my actions, the way I worry, how I try to control my own future, and my thought process I have basically said “God, you’re holding out on me, so I am just going to take this into my own hands and figure it out. Thanks.”

 J

When I heard this story in the Jesus Storybook Bible, it hit me like a ton of bricks! I knew that I had been saying that God was holding out on me. Also, that I was not satisfied with just him…I wanted something else. Its truly awful and disgusting.

The great thing is, God really does love me. He isn’t holding out on me. In fact, for the rest of the Bible you see a story of how he chased after his creation/his love and how he rescued me/us/everyone from the awful and disgusting pit that we’ve all gotten ourselves into.  

**This first part of this post is my paraphrase of a much more in depth Bible Study that can be found here: Promised Redemption **

Sweet Community

This summer I worked at Pine Cove. (I know most of you are thinking, “Yeah we know, you talk about it all the time!” Sorry, I’m not sorry) The reason I mentioned it, is because while I was there I experienced true community like I’ve never experienced before!

When you spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 3 months of your life with the same 60 people, you tend to get really close to them. We ate together, lived together, served together, prayed together, cried together, and loved together. Even when we had time off on the weekends, we spent most of it with each other.

There is something so unique about the bond that I share with all of them. We were a family. I had so much accountability when I was surrounded by them, was so encouraged in their presence, and was loved like I’ve never been before.

When camp was over, I knew it would be very hard to leave that…and it was! I didn’t fully prepare myself for how sad I would be when I wasn’t with them anymore. I came home and for the first 3 weeks I was here, I really struggled. I knew it was possible to find community here at home. But, a big part of me didn’t even want to try because I just loved what I had at camp so much. I prayed about it and hoped that eventually I would find this kind of community at home.

Its so important to have something like that in your life. Jesus had it when he walked this earth. He spent a good majority of his time with the 12 disciples. They traveled together, shared meals together, stayed together, and prayed together.

The Lord was faithful in providing a great community for me here. I had to put myself out there a little bit in order to find it. But, he came through and I am so thankful and blessed! My life group has been an incredible source of encouragement and accountability for me within the last month. (they probably don't even realize it) We are all growing together and even though I still feel like we are in the beginning stages of our relationships. I know that the Lord is doing some great things in each of our lives because of the community that we’ve decided to have with each other.

My prayer for us is that, we would continue to grow and have fun together and most importantly, that we would show genuine love to each other and we would be intentional with each other! 

"Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now." -Philippians 1:3-5